The Cost

What is your “max cost” your willing to pay for Christ?

When you read Pauls letters, you never see him say, “Once it becomes too difficult, that’s when you can give in. The fight is too hard, go ahead, throw in the towel.”

Rather, you see the opposite in his writings, “I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” [Phil. 4:12-13]

So, have you put limits on what you can handle? Have you set boundaries on what the cost should be?

He has told us to be a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). That means ALL we have, laid at His feet. Whether that is enduring difficult trials and circumstances that come our way, disciplining ourselves to not give into the strongest temptations, loving others without our selfishishness, or selling all and leaving home to serve where He has called.

I know when I read the passage, I like to think of myself as someone who will pay any price; follow Christ no matter what the cost; but I was convicted thinking about all the times where, as soon as it became just hard enough, the doubts slapped me in the face and actually sounded somewhat better than enduring.

But this is what it is about; nothing can stand against Him, and the more I press into the One that never fails, I will win the battles and keep the victory no matter what the cost! He has purposely set before each of us exactly what we need to go through and can handle, only with Him by our side. [And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5]

Count the cost, give Him your all, put on your spiritual armor, and be ready to fight with all you have. He is faithful to be with You and give you ways to fight against the enemy, endure the pain, and flee from the presence of temptation.

[No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13]

This is the question I have to answer today – Do I trust Him?

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The Prison Cell

Paul the Apostle wrote most of the New Testament and he wrote many of these books from prison. Hopefully you know some of Paul’s testimony (If not, read Acts) and see how he truly understood the sacrificial life for his Lord.

We know Paul “got it”… But how do we get it like Paul did? I’m not sure what a prison looked like in those days, but I’m guessing it wasn’t comfortable to the slightest degree. He wrote letters of encouragement and exhortation while sitting on a cold prison floor, where he saw the inside of a dark cage giving no worldly hope of escape. He sang hymns and praises without the presence of a warming sun or comfort food to look forward to. He prayed with confidence and joy without knowing if he would ever be outside the prison walls.

I’m convicted. Now, I’ve never been to prison, and I don’t face the same trials as Paul did, but you and I can actually relate to Paul. How? We each have to face our individual, personal prison cells daily. But, we have a choice to be fully free as Paul was, even within the cell. Now, hear me out; I’m not saying we will forever be caged and always in bondage; in Him is redemption and freedom from all weights. What I’m saying is that in this world, we will have temptation, trials, and an enemy taunting us, seeking to drag us into eternal death while still breathing. For Paul, the prison cell became a sanctuary. He no longer saw the dark, cold walls and lack of food and comfort; he saw a place to draw near to his Lord. He saw a place to sing and praise, to cry out, to be raw and vulnerable before God. He saw opportunity within the cell to be poured into and also pour out. He found freedom in Christ even within the prison walls.

For me, my mind has always been “my prison.” That’s how it’s been most of my life. It’s always been a fear and trial to be alone for too long, to have too much time to think, to reach depths of my mind that I didn’t know were possible. Most of my life, I’ve failed in this trial. I’ve given into allowing my mind to be the prison the enemy intended for it be. Recently, I’ve experienced true freedom within the prison; turning the prison into a sanctuary for praise and prayer; to be a place of intimacy with MY LORD. I’ve gone from being tormented and defeated, to standing in victory and triumph over the mental war, resting in the way He designed it to be from the beginning. My mind no longer has to be something I fear, but rather an opportunity to deepen my relationship in Christ and find joy in the greatest of trials and temptations.

What is your prison? Better question… What is the place you see as a prison but is truly the place to go deeper with Him? Where do you find yourself fearful, feeling alone, feeling forgotten, feeling defeated? My friend, you are not alone or forgotten. I relate to Paul just like you, and we all stand against the same opposing power… But now we get to stand in the same GREATER power that causes darkness to flee and the impossible to become possible! Do you believe?

Help our unbelief Lord. Remind us that freedom is found in You, not what we do. Remind us that you paid the price, gave the perfect sacrifice, and ransomed each of our lives. The prison cell no longer lingers within us, but us within You, so that we may stay faithful and true. It’s only by Your GRACE that victory is ours to stand in, we are no longer controlled by the weight and bondage of sin. Jesus broke the chains, set the captives free, this includes you and me. Choose to be free in the prison. Choose to be joyful while shipwrecked. Choose to give praise in the unknown, place your trust in Him alone.

His hand is stretched out and He is waiting for you to take ahold, to be released from the bonds that keep you from writing your story, from encouraging others, and furthering the work of the gospel in your life. Take ahold, today is the day. Get on your knees, start to pray.

Philipians 1:12-14

And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News.

For everyone here, including the whole palace guard, knows that I am in chains because of Christ.

And because of my imprisonment, most of the believers here have gained confidence and boldly speak God’s message without fear.

– Paul

Unwanted friends

Fear and worry tightly grip my softened soul, sqeezing my life with a deeper hold. I can’t breathe, I thought it would help, but I’m suffocating. My head feels light yet heavy, I may pass out from this invisible, yet very real burden that lays upon my body. I chose to go there, to accept the fear; to place the pressure on myself, take ahold of doubt and believe the lie. The lie that tells me I’m a failure and I might as well die. But why!? Why must I die, why must I give in, why is it that fear and worry become such a quick-to-kill sin?

I can’t take it anymore, I don’t want it anymore… I know there’s a greater peace that overflows the emotions. It reaches beyond hurt and pain and touches the deepest root that needs to be slain. I don’t want to drown any longer. I choose to be free, my head above the waves and raging waters.

But how, how can I rise above?

It’s takes more than strength, more than practice. It take supernatural power to overcome the paralyzing grip that so quickly becomes an unwanted friend. God I cry out, pull me up! This I know, that belief isnt my problem; but belief in the wrong power is. I shift it over to You Lord. I believe You save and want to do more.

Here I am, I lay down my unwanted friends.. the fear and worry, it doesn’t belong to me. It’s all yours to do as you please; cast it into the farthest sea. Please, just please rid it from me. I ask for this greater joy, peace passing understanding, for rest that is deeper than anything I’ve known. I replace my old “friends” with You and You alone. Your the only one who can hold me, lift me from the pit, take all my burdens and whisper to say, “you’re free my daughter, stop and turn away from the sin.”

Control is beyond my control, so may I place my trust in Him who holds it’s all in His hands.

Dear fear and worry, my unwanted friends, you are no longer my friends and I don’t recognize your face cause my eyes are caught in the most beautiful gaze.

Dear God, thank you you for taking my place. For making a way for my load to be easy and light; For being my closest friend, giving me life and breath and the choice to rest in You. You amaze me and now I lay my head down, knowing my closest Friend will always be around.

Psalm 31:14-16 But I am trusting You, O LORD, saying, “You are my God!”

My future is in Your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.

Let Your favor shine on Your servant. In Your unfailing love, rescue me.

Guatemala update (oct. 2018)

It’s a privelage to use my camera to take media for the ministry.

I’ve been living in Antigua, Guatemala serving with Potter’s Field Ministries for a total of 9 months now. God has called me here for specific reasons pertaining to the work He has been doing within my heart and for reasons beyond my comprehension. I know He has called me to stay here for another IGNITE class.

IGNITE class 14 has been here for 6 months and will be heading back for re-entry in a couple days. Class 15 will be arriving next week and more staff will be joining us for this next 6 months.

Class 14 girls and PFM STAFF

I always have mixed feelings when it comes to change and transition. There is much excitement and adrenaline when it comes to not knowing what the future holds, but it can easily become a way for fear to creep in as well. The unknown goes against our natural born flesh, but not against our hearts when resting in the One who already sees and knows the future. I’m looking forward to what God is going to accomplish with this new group of people, that I will be serving and living with.

God has been so faithful and continues to reveal Himself clearly. Change and transition is hard, but He calls us to hard things, and in the end, we bear the fruit and experience the beauty in what He was planning from the start!

Goodbyes aren’t easy, change can be uncomfortable but I look at the life of Jesus and in His ministry, that is mostly what He did! He traveled, worked miracles, shared the gospel, then continued on. Same with many of the disciples and apostles. Jesus said He has no place to lay His head (Matt. 8:20), and that wasn’t to have a pity party or complain but to say that He knows He is only passing through and wants to be about His Father’s business. This should be the way we also strive to live. He calls us all to different places and different jobs, but ultimately, we are to live sacrificially unto Him as we pass through this short breath of life, eagerly expecting the eternal home, fully satisfied in His presence.

I cannot explain how much of a privelage it is to serve here and experience God’s hand constantly at work. It starts in the home and reaches out to the people we get to minister to. We are able to run 4 different Kids Clubs that include teaching English and sharing Gods Word, host mission teams, do outreaches within the local community, visit public and private hospitals, and ultimately continue building relationships and shining Christ among this beautiful place. I’m learning many new responsibilities along with how to disciple as I’m being discipled. It is stretching me beyond my flexibility, and I’ve been challenged by the Lord to go deeper in worship, to really glorify Him in the giftings He’s given me and be pushed further outside the zone of comfort. As I continue in His calling, I’m willing to stay or go wherever He leads and as Paul said, I’m learning to be abased and to abound (Phil 4:12), to be given the strength to carry out His will and be fully content in His presence, receiving the fullness of joy that only comes at His right hand. Daily I die so that I may live in His higher power and holy calling.

Thank you to everyone for your constant labors of love and support toward me as I continue here in Guatemala.

– Please continue praying for the ministry happening here in Guatemala, the interns leaving and the ones coming in, the staff, and the people of Guatemala. –

In His love,

Tanisha

Daily Victory

The walk of life may seem slow at times or like there isn’t much feeling. Most of us either base our life off of what we feel, or we try to not feel at all.

In football, every yard toward the end zone counts. It’s a small victory to reach the greater victory; getting a touchdown. There is always an opposing team trying to set you back by every inch, leading to defeat. Spiritually, we are in this football game (or whatever sport you want to put this into), and every step/yard counts. Every movement forward would be considered a victory… But sometimes, it doesn’t feel like a victory. The adrenaline and excitement of victory really hits when it’s a touchdown. The celebration of the crowd and your team is off the charts and all you can do is a victory dance and continue to play harder, with hope and joy in getting another one. Our lives are this yard by yard victory each day. A lot of the time, there isn’t feeling in it, there isn’t emotions, there isn’t a crowd celebrating your one step closer. Often, it can feel boring and it’s almost as if the feeling of defeat would be better… Just to feel something. The feeling of being tackled and defeated is a feeling, but the following feeling is shame; in shame, there is doubt, discouragement, and lack of hope in the next victory, causing a downward spiral in our ability to move forward. We wanted the touchdown, but now it’s beginning to feel even more out of reach and impossible to achieve.

God calls us to the day by day, yard by yard victories in life. They seem so small, lacking in excitement and feelings. We either want to feel and allow the enemy to hurt us, or continue in perseverance and endurance to finish strong and gain the win. It’s not about feelings, recognition, or adrenaline…. It’s about gaining the touchdown; and to get there, it takes each little step and movement forward.

I know for myself, it’s hard to walk in the daily victories. They seem so small. But recently, I’ve been experiencing the “touchdowns” from walking in the day to day victories. I’m experiencing the fruit of being faithful to the Lord and not giving into defeat. Sometimes the defeat feels so nice. For a moment, it brings a rush, it brings a sense of life… but it ends so terribly. It ends with lack of hope, trust, and reliance in the valiant Warrior who has promised to stick with me and give me the victory as I fight in Him.

I’ve been walking in the small victories and I want to encourage you and give you hope! Be faithful. Don’t be discouraged. Don’t allow feelings to control, don’t allow defeat daily, don’t choose to lose. Choose Him. And thank Him for the small victories! They may be unseen by everyone else, but you and God know what they are, and it’s actually HUGE cause it’s bringing you closer to that touchdown.

Defeat will come, and you’ll get tackled every once and a while… But get back up and go harder. He is there with you. A valiant Warrior in your midst, fighting and giving you the daily wins! Focus on Him and those wins. Closer and closer to the touchdowns. Stay strong my friends. He hasn’t left you, He won’t abandon you. He has a plan to prosper you and bring you to the finish line, the touchdown, the goal. Be faithful and don’t give up. Fix your eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-2).

What are your little victories found in Him? For me, it’s taking thoughts captive, running to worship and truth when the lies hit, putting myself in front of people when I want to isolate and shut down, fleeing every temptation. I praise and thank Him for the strength He has given me day by day, to stand firm against the enemy and overcome! (Eph. 6:10-11)

1 John 5:4 For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the VICTORY that has overcome the world- our faith.

1 Corinthians 15:56-58 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the VICTORY through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.

He said, “Share the gospel”

For those who know me, you know that I can hold a good conversation without being too awkward but I still need my time alone to process and regain my energy and thoughts. I’m an introvert. I’m not huge into controversy, and conversations that are controversial drain me even more so.

But the other day, I began a conversation about cameras with a 17yr old boy that I had just met. He mentioned in the midst of our convo that he was agnostic… And when I heard that, I felt the promting of the Holy Spirit saying, “share the gospel.” I wrestled a bit in knowing that it would hold controversy, a lot of thinking, and not knowing how this kid would respond. But, I began asking him questions about his beliefs.

He explained that he is in search of a religion but hasn’t found one that he likes yet. I listened to everything, then I asked if I could share with him what I believe. He was really nice and listened well. I explained my relationship with God and that it wasn’t a religion. He told me my eyes pop with passion when I talk about this subject… But to me, God isn’t a subject, He is the life giver and my Love. And I told him that.

We talked for awhile and I noticed something as I was sharing. 1. It’s not me – Because I was listening to the Spirit’s voice, He used me as a mouth piece and took control of my words and thoughts. 2. I shared in a way like I never have before – If you know me from just last year until now, you know I’m a changed person, truly living a new life in Christ. I shared with this kid, not just head knowledge and what I knew (as I used to do), but I shared TESTIMONY of what God did in me and how the gospel changed my life. I came from a point of relating rather than judging him. 3. REMEMBER – It was so good for me to share cause it helped solidify what I believe and helped me to go back in remeberance of what He’s done in me.

I would encourage you to step out. You don’t have to have the “gift of evangelism” or know how speak well. Whether your an extrovert or introvert, simply open yourself to His voice and listen when He calls. Our lives are testimonies for His name and if we aren’t using them in the way we speak and live, what’s the point? He wants to fill us so that we may pour out and be filled again. I hope this encourages you, cause God used it to encourage me.

In the end of our talk, he said, “You didn’t change my beliefs, but you really have me thinking.” And in that, I pray and ask for the Holy Spirit to take him deeper and use the truth as a sword. I did my part and I know God is faithful to water the seeds planted.

Walk not in fear, but rather, in LOVE.

Jeremiah 1:9 Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.”

For those who doubt (Ps. 73)

How great is the beauty of serving Christ with all my life!

I can sing without fame, I can work without profit, I can live without measure, I can give without receiving, I can live unashamed, washed clean, totally free. I hold life and it’s treasures loosely because I cling to Christ tightly. I lower expectations of the world and man and reach higher to the limitless Creator, my best Friend.

I find that I fear and doubt, I can’t be perfect within myself; though I often try, You shine brightly to expose the lie. Here I am! Make me fall down again and behold Your majesty. Your beauty exceeds all! I give you my heart, my mind, my life; I accept the call.

I often run to Psalm 73 to remind me that the ones chasing the world aren’t truly free. The world sucks as a vacuum into a pit of “fun” but in the end, death and destruction have truly won.

Take a look around… If you question and doubt, lay them before His feet, ask for answers that you can hold onto and keep. He will answer and reveal His truth; that is, His will and plan is perfect and satisfying as sweet as honey to the starving soul. The world will offer vomit in disguise but you won’t know until you taste its putrid, foul lies. A dog returns to its vomit, but you are not a dog! You have been adopted into royalty to eat delacacies with the King, all you can do is behold His glory and sing.

So ask. Bring your questioning before God, but ask for truth and accept it placed before you. Partake of the underserved wine and cup that is everlasting, overflowing, and transforming. He has the best in store, sitting on high, blameless, in perfection, how could you ask for more?

I enter into His sanctuary, I draw near and place my trust in Him. They may slip and fall, but you given me Your all. You uphold me by my right hand; even when my heart fails, I can stand.

I pray you are hidden by this beautiful Light that causes all darkness to dissappear so that you no longer walk in trembling fear. Put up your ear to His chest and rest, listen to His heartbeat to steady your own, you are safe and never have to be alone.

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Psalm 73:23 Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.

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Burning desires

We all have this deep burning within us to be made complete; to be finished, satisfied, and no longer feel empty. There are MANY choices to fill this void. We all crave something and at different points in our lives, the craving may change. The gods of this world sing out beautiful songs to gain our attention, and all it takes is a little glance or meditation to be reeled into the deception. Whether it be alcohol, porn, food, social media, workaholicism, or escaping reality; these are just some of the things that grasp for our thoughts leading to our heart and soul.

Why do you think God wants us to love Him with all our HEART, SOUL, MIND, and STRENGTH? Because it is all connected, and if one area is given in, the whole system is corrupted; Our whole being swayed by the wicked one, the prince of the world, of the darkness.

This is something to make you think… Cause I for one, have allowed the little things that seemed “okay,” to bring me far down into the pit in such a short amount of time and I niw knoe, this is how sin works… Takes you farther and deeper, even if it starts small; and most of the time, it does start with little compromises.

So, open your eyes. Satan is looking to kill, steal, and destroy. Don’t be easy bait… FIGHT! It’s not easy, and I’ll be the first to admit it. But as you delight in Him, He will direct your steps and lift you back up when you fall (PS. 37:24). The other gods and the flesh will sing an enticing song, but don’t listen even for a moment. Turn to Him who has an eternal song of joy, peace, and life!

If you have taken some dark turns and are having trouble to fight and get out of the pit, just know it is never too late for the all powerful God to pull you out. If you are desperate, know that this is the only way out. Exercise your faith, knowing He is faithful to save. Cry out to Him, but also ask for others to help you. Be real, be vulnerable, be ready to live your life for Him alone.

He designed you to be made complete in Him.

It is finished.

|This burning hole rages deep within my soul. I can’t get out, I shout out, but all I hear is silence.

What have I done?? I’ve forsaken the Son!

He said He would save, but I rejected the love and entered into this dark cave that smelled like a grave.

I don’t know where I am, I can hardly stand.

But, I hear a voice, singing small and gentle… It’s piercing my heart, or is this just mental?

No! It’s something so sweet, freedom and joy that I want to meet!

“Here I am!” I cry.

I’m ready to say goodbye.

No longer starving, but satisfied.

God… you have brought true life because your Son died.

The burning I had within, is no longer craving for the sin.

Now my desire is only for You,

For You are holy and You are true.|

FREE indeed

I’ve been lacking in something lately, and that’s been joy. Why have I been lacking joy? I can begin to try and think of every problem and solution, to figure out the formula of a “joyful” Christian life, but really there is only one answer. I think the answer comes in the form of a question; who am I actually living for, God or myself?

I would love to say God, but when there is a lack in joy, thanksgiving, in the fight against temptation and doubt, pretty soon sin becomes a practice and the result is death. That’s how quickly I will downward spiral within myself. I can feel as if I’m drowning in my mind of feelings and thoughts and it often doesn’t seem like there is a hand to pull me up.

But the issue here isn’t reading my Bible or praying enough… The issue is stepping outside of the freedom Christ has already given me. I read this verse, John 8:36… And I began crying in the realization of what He has done for me that no one else ever could… Set me free. “Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.” Oh how quickly I forget this truth and turn to what seems to make sense in my flesh. I’m reminded that the Israelites and I are very similar… God is constantly moving in my life and has set me free from bondage in my “egypt,” but I continue to forget His simple promises and as I do, He doesn’t seem to give up on me. He pursues me in my doubt. His love never relents, and He is continually bringing me back to Him as a gentle shepherd with his sheep. I’m reminded once again that He has set me free and the power that has broken these chains cannot come from anywhere else.

So now all I can say is, Lord, please forgive my reckless ways and rebellious and wayward heart. Truly I am prone to wander, but You seem to love on the foolish and lowest, of which I feel I am. Lord I’m sorry for forsaking You in my heart and forgetting about Your promise over me.

Take over my life, and help my unbelief, and help me to love You with my whole being… Not in the way the world defines love but in the way You define and bestow it.

True joy comes from a free heart, a free heart can only come from a true Savior, and that savior is Jesus Christ, my Lord, my God, my King.

In full confidence of what God has done in me, I know that He has re-ignited my heart by baptizing me by His word and in His Spirit and I’m truly experiencing a new life and relationship with Him. Only by His grace poured out could I ever experience such brokenness, healing, and joy. Light has truly broken through the walls of darkness that surrounded my heart and made me a new person starting from the inside of my heart and mind, making it’s way to my outward being (2 Cor. 4:6).

So now, as I sit in Guatemala and take in the beauty and simplicity of it all, I see how it reflects the work He is doing within me.

I once created my own fire from sin and compromise, which turned into a raging wild fire, bringing down every fruitful plant and tree, then He came and brought forth snow and rain to put out the fires of destruction and brought me to this place with fresh and furtile soil to plant new seeds that will bear much fruit as time goes on.

Now I overlook Antigua and watch valcanoes blow smoke in the day and lava in the night, I hear Him whisper His promises to guide me through as He did with the Israelites through the wilderness. He is re-igniting a fire in my heart that He had originally intended; it will never die and constantly shine for Him.

This new flame gives me life, reason, and purpose to seize each day and praise Him in it all. [2 Cor. 4:18] I’m living for a purpose greater than myself.

So who am I?

Simply Galatians 2:20  I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

I am crucified in Christ and have been set free from myself to live a full life in Him.

If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed!The adventure here in Guatemala only continues as I serve with an amazing team of interns from ignite class 13 and a group of people I can call my family; joining them in teaching and loving on kids who have a deep need of this love that only comes from God. We together get to learn how to live sacrificially for the Lord, pouring out our lives for one another, learning lessons that apply to the rest of our lives, and practicing living out the gospel by preaching through our actions and discipleship.

Next journey, Guatemala

After spending 6 months in Montana, working for mudman and experiencing busy and crazy like never before, I’m moving on to another season of a spiritual cleanse, reset, discipleship, healing and growth in the beautiful country of Guatemala.

I’m writing this as I’m visiting my Oklahoma home for a couple weeks and as I spend my last few days with family and friends, I’m also spending it processing so much of what the Lord has been doing in my life.

|My siblings, parents, nieces and nephews in OKC|

I can say that this last season in Montana has been one of intensity, discipleship, vulnerability, honesty, and finding true relationship with him through a broken heart and surrendered life. This has been one of the most important times of life for me in the sense of realizing where I truly stand in Christ; healed, set free, and made a new creation.

I’ve been able to create another amazing family in Montana with everyone who is involved in the ministry… While I’ve been missing my blood and church family from okc, I’ve been blessed by the Church in MT.

|Some of my MT family|

I’ve faced many trials, brokenness, and repentance these last few months and now I get to continue walking in this new victory and grace in Guatemala still serving with Pottersfield ministries. I’m excited for what’s next and what my time will look like. God only knows how long and what exactly I’ll be doing, but I know that I can rest in His call and have peace in knowing His will and plan is perfect for my life.

I appreciate the support of prayer I’ve been getting from so many. Here is some things you can continue in prayer for:

• For God to continue preparing my heart for this next season serving in Guatemala.
• For His spirit to strengthen and equip me with everything necessary for what is ahead.
• To be faithful everyday in being vulnerable, humble, and discipled. And that the love and grace I’ve been shown would be poured out of me to others.